Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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