Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
