Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
