I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I smell stomach acid.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
