see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.