someone threw a dead crab at me
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
