I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
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More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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