I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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