I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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