youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
