I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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