My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
