Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
