i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
