Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
