I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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