ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
