Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
