I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
