first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
