walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
