dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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