He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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