I faked an abortion last night.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
