My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
