Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
