I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
