I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
