I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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