Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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