Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My feet surprised me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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