i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
