he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
