I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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