yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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