I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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