I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
