There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
