Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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