He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
