I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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