Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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