the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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