Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
