I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
