I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
