ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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