Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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