I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
