dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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