Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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