better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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