best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
