I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My vagina is officially offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize