is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
