Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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