So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
