I looked at my own cervix.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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