Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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