Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just invented taco cereal.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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